1. The Selfie King
87% of the profiles on Tinder will be of males who have decided, for whatever reason, that five selfies will garner some sort of positive attention. Yes. Great. Because nothing says, “I am completely self-absorbed” quite like five photos you took of yourself while staring into the mirror- at yourself. I mean, you could have at least looked into the lens of the camera on your phone. But hey, thanks for making this easy for the both of us.
2. The Muscle Man
Like the selfie king, this male has mastered the art of the “mirror selfie,” and has made sure he is strategically flexing every muscle visible in the frame while he snaps his shot. This male is almost always in a gym, sitting on a bench, wearing headphones. Sometimes the shirt is off. This is not a good idea, dude. If anything, I’ll only briefly stare at the photo to laugh a bit longer… maybe, if you’re lucky, I’ll take a screen shot of the photo so I can laugh at it with my girlfriends. (Yes, women are sometimes cruel, but you already knew this. Don’t act surprised.)
3. The Kitty Whisperer
This male is one who has somehow managed to take a photo with every cat within a square mile of wherever he currently resides. I don’t know what the deal is with these guys, but my theory is that at some point a memo was shared with the masses, suggesting that “it may prove beneficial to have every Tinder profile photo be of you with a cat. Because #bitcheslovecats” or something of the sort. Newsflash: It’s actually just really weird.
4. The “Twenty-One” Year Old
He’s not twenty-one. Hell, this guy may not even be eighteen. No further explanation needed. Wait, was that a prom photo? El-oh-el. Next.
5. The Party Animal
I suppose there are some people out there who may find this male incredibly attractive, as his constant partying (or at least that which is displayed in his carefully selected profile photos) may suggest he has amassed some sort of fortune in the time since he’s begun his journey as an adult. My best guess is that this male lives for the weekends, is only looking for attractive female companions to boost his ego, and probably lives well beyond his means. Not my cup of tea.
6. The Flirt
There are no selfies, but there are no photos of him alone either. While photos with friends are fantastic, this male is lacking those entirely as well. You see, this male is apparently never in a photo without a group of women surrounding him. I don’t know what he’s trying to say about himself, but I do know that I’m not into it.
7. The “Clever” One
This male has decided he would be one of the 457,746 others who use the space allotted to them in their profile for the phrase “It’s going down, I’m yelling ‘Tinder’.” If only I had a dollar for every time I read that…
8. The Former Flame
This is awkward for the both of us. What do I do? I don’t want to swipe right, because I don’t want them to think I’m interested in them again, but I also know there is a possibility that they may have swiped right because it’s funny, so there may be a joke to be had here- but I’m not really sure if I want to swipe right, because what if they did want to make a joke of it, and then they just think I’m an asshole… Oh, the dilemma. Maybe if I stare at the screen long enough, he’ll just disappear?
9. The “Twenty-Seven” Year Old
This is like the “Twenty-One” year old dude, but worse. This male claims to be in his twenties, but is clearly well beyond his prime. You look through all of his photos, you shake your head, and you genuinely feel bad for him. But you always swipe left. Always. *cringe*
10. The “Model”
Every photo of this male was taken by a “professional” photographer, and in each photo, this male is doing his best to “model.” There is a smoldering stare, an unbuttoned shirt, a smirk, and sometimes- even a little ab appearance. You stare at his photos, roll your eyes, and then wonder why he even has a Tinder profile, because he is clearly too into himself to ever be into anyone else.